Lily Lulonut

Hello, I hope you have been good in these uncertain times.

Speaking of uncertain times. I have recently been going though the early stages of coming out to my family. My parents already know I am trans, and now my brother and sister know. I also told my long running DnD group. So a lot of change and uncertainty at the moment.

One thing that has come up in recent conversations is that my parents don’t recognize it in me. They just don’t see it they said. My mother said this to me just the other day. My father told me something similar a little over a month ago. I will admit, hearing this from them hurt. I understand they are processing all of this, but it still hurt. It felt like in a time when I needed support, I got criticism.

For the last few months, and more so in the last few weeks I have felt more and more feminine. Looking at myself in the mirror, how I am beginning to act, and even in my voice. When I see myself I no longer see the male me. I am not be where I want to be, that perfect self, but I am at least me now. I see a happy girl, sometimes a little mischievous, looking back at me. So hearing that from my parents hurt.

I almost started to question myself and my femininity. To doubt myself, just for a moment. Luckily I was slapped in the back of the head by a good friend of mine. I just needed to remind myself who I saw in the mirror. I need to say fuck the haters, even if they are my parents. I am awesome and looking more and more cute each day. I have to remember they don’t live anywhere near me, they don’t see me everyday. They only saw me for a week when they visited. That was months ago. I have come so far since then.

In the last month alone I have gotten more ma’am and ladies from strangers than I ever have. I have even caught some coworkers saying she subconsciously. Side note: I am not out at work yet, and I think I am beginning to confuse my coworkers. I don’t think ill be to keep playing the male version of me for to much longer. LOL, and i LOVE IT!

My parents will always hold a huge part of my heart and mind. I always go to them for advice on life things, my Dad for handyman advice. They are my go to support system. So its hard for me to not listen sometimes. That said I know who I am and who I see in the mirror. My family wont take that away from me. I love them and I hope they can see it in me. For now, I am happy with seeing it in myself.

I did not really have a message with this, or a plan honestly. I think this blog post is more ranty. If there is a message its this. No matter what people think they see in you, only you can truly know. Trust yourself, your amazing!

Thanks for reading, and stay safe out there.

Lily Lulonut.