Lily Lulonut

Hello, hello!

Alright, so today, I want to talk about sexual preference. This has been on my mind a lot lately, and my therapist even mentioned that maybe I’m entering my dating phase—lol.

To start with, I have zero experience. Like, truly zero. I’ve only ever been on two dates in my life. The first was with a girl I was friends with in high school. She was awesome—a very good friend. I asked her to my employer’s Christmas party in Chicago, which was a large gathering. After that, we went for coffee at a local café. That was it. No kiss, no follow-up, no further dates. I’d say I was interested, and she was not. I think I ruined that friendship.

The second date happened when I was in college after I got out of the military. A girl asked me out, and we ended up going to the mall, playing some mini-golf, and just hanging out for a while. Nothing came of it—no further dates. She was very into me, but I wasn’t into her. At the time, I was nearing 30, and she was 18. I ruined that one by blowing her off because I didn’t know how to let someone down. I still don’t.

So, I’ve never been in a relationship and have never even been on a second date. That brings me to physical intimacy. As you may have guessed, I also have zero experience in that area. I’ve only ever kissed two girls. The first was in grade school, and it was a dare—quick and weird.

The second was in the military, during someone else’s birthday at a bar. That was also the first time I ever got drunk. People knew I was a virgin, and they egged me on about it all the time. There was a girl in the military with us, and once I was very drunk, they encouraged us to kiss. They also pressured me to fondle her with my mouth. That is the most intimate I have ever been with someone.

So, like I said, I have no experience, which makes it hard to say for sure what my preferences are.

So, What Are My Preferences?

When it comes to women, I find them attractive. I don’t care about genitalia—just the feminine figure. This could also apply to a man with very feminine features.

Men are a different story. I am not immediately attracted to the masculine form. That said, I’ve come to understand that I am likely demisexual when it comes to men. There are men I find attractive or get giddy about, but I have to know them first or have some kind of connection. That initial attraction just isn’t there.

I’ve seen this play out on dating apps. When it comes to men, I almost never swipe on them. Since initial communication is usually based on looks, that makes sense. With women, I tend to swipe more often. However, I never seem to do well on dating apps. Not because of how I look or anything, but I think people can tell when you don’t fully see yourself. Confidence and all that.

Am I Entering My Dating Phase?

I don’t know. I don’t know what I would even do if someone asked me out. I don’t think I could tell if someone was flirting with me or not. Signals? What signals?

So, what is a girl supposed to do? Is it even possible for me to date? Will I end up the 40-year-old virgin? Honestly, that doesn’t bother me as much as it did when I was masking as a man.

Those are my thoughts on sexual preference. Thanks for sticking around. Stay safe!