Lily Lulonut

Let’s talk.

I legitimately don’t know what to write. I feel like there’s something I need to get down, yet I can’t quite find the feeling. So this post may be a bit unhinged.

A few months ago, I was doing really well. I was happy, thriving, and learning. I was about to come out at work. I was doing more fun activities. I was taking care of myself, exercising, and feeling good. Mentally, physically, and spiritually, I was in a great place, still improving, but genuinely enjoying life.

Then a terrible thought entered my mind. I won’t go into details, but it has to do with trauma I likely experienced when I was young. I’ve dealt with bullying in grade school, but this was something worse.

I wasn’t remembering, but I also wasn’t daydreaming. It was like this thought hit my brain and refused to leave. It consumed me. I kept trying to force myself to think about other things, but nothing worked. It started on a Sunday, and I couldn’t stop it all day. It began to cripple me.

Luckily, I had therapy the next day. In hindsight, the timing makes sense. My body and mind knew I was in a good place, strong. They also knew I was going to my safe space the next day, so they decided that moment was it.

That therapy session only cemented my suspicion that what I was thinking likely did happen. My body language was incredibly defensive and nervous. While talking about these “memories,” I was scared, pinching my arm the entire time. It was not good. Given how I reacted just talking about it, I knew it wasn’t just a daydream.

It’s funny, I say memories, but the truth is I’m still denying them. I haven’t let myself experience them fully, to the point that I’m unsure.

After that, I spiraled into a long depressive episode. It felt like slipping back into old habits. I spent months feeling bad, neglecting my health, and struggling.

The best way I can describe it is like a PTSD episode, something I couldn’t stop. I’ve gotten better and worked through some of it in therapy, but I still haven’t faced the trauma. When I first worked through my experiences with bullying, I wanted to move forward. Remembering more felt like the only way to heal. Once I accepted what happened, my egg cracked. It was a relief.

This time is different. This time, I am scared. This time, I am fighting against remembering. This time feels darker and so much worse. It has crippled me.

Right now, I’m not ready to go through that door. I need to build myself back up, to reach a place where I feel ready to face it. I know it will hurt, and I worry it will destroy me. But I also know I am strong, and I have the resources to face it when the time comes.

So yeah, I think that’s what I needed to get off my chest. I needed to express these fears. If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it.