Lily Lulonut

Hello! I know it’s been a min since I last posted something.

Bad Lily. lol

I was sitting in bed, unable to fall asleep, and felt like writing. So let’s write some stuff.

I have been thinking about passing lately. For those who do not know, for us trans folks, when we say passing, we mean we blend in to the point that people would not know we are trans. It is like the golden standard for a lot of trans folks. Not all, of course. There are those who are very confident in themselves, regardless of what others think. I don’t fall into that category. I want to be seen as a cis woman.

Like a lot of trans folks, I see myself in the mirror and criticize everything. I see the male bone structure in my face. I see the five o’clock shadow. I see the body shape I have. All of these things run through my head. When I am not looking in a mirror, I can often feel myself. Then when people are interacting with me, or looking at me, it feels like all they see is the man. It’s not all the time, but it does happen often.

I do see the woman inside often in the mirror, in those quick, unguarded glances, when I’m not over-analyzing everything. Also, for some reason, I think I look super cute in the shower. With my hair wet and combed back, wet face, freshly shaved beard. It’s often when I look the most feminine to myself.

I mention all this because when I think of myself most of the time, I don’t believe that I pass. I think most people look at me and can tell. It weighs on my mind every day. Yet, in my experience, I have not been misgendered in the last 5 months or so. The only people who have misgendered me are people who knew me from before, and they still recognize my old self. So I will occasionally get he/him, or even sometimes even dead-named. Though I will say, most of the time I give them a pass, as they are getting better.

A recent example of me being gendered out in public was while on a hike. I went on a hike to a state park. No skirt or overly feminine clothes, as I needed to wear something comfortable. So I got some good pants, a cute outdoor long sleeve shirt that’s good for hiking, and a cute sun hat. I figured I did not come close to passing. Yet, while on the hike, I was not misgendered. I even ran into a dad and his son on the hike and was asked to take their pic. I was gendered correctly by the father and treated like a woman. It was wonderful.

So then, do I pass? Well, I would say no, but my experience would say otherwise. Truth is, I can’t tell. It feels weird to ask folks I know if I pass. I would not want to ask those who knew me from before, though. Just feels like a weird question to ask. So why not ask here? I am going to put a couple pictures in this post, and perhaps a poll if I can figure it out. One of the pics is me in that hiking outfit.

Curious what you all think — here’s a quick poll: https://strawpoll.com/LVyK2rwD7Z0

Though even asking, I don’t think it will really answer my question. So for now, I think I will just have to keep moving forward. If things don’t change, then perhaps I do pass — for the most part.

Thanks for reading.