Lily Lulonut

A Trans Woman’s Self-Love Story.

‘This writing is something I wanted to get down into words. You see, I was meditating and was able to have a moment where I recognized my old self, and instead of ignoring him, I embraced him. This is a unique aspect of being transgender, and I thought writing it down would help consolidate some feelings and thoughts I have been struggling with. Please enjoy.’

Let me tell you about an important part of myself, his name is Steven.

He existed to keep me safe, to keep me from being hurt. He held all my pain, all my sorrow.

He did not always make the right decisions, but he always made them with me in mind. He did his best with what he had, and made sure to keep moving forward.

He kept to himself, never made many friends. Though the friends he did make were amazing people. Friends that are now my friends. People that care for us, and support us.

He did make good decisions, decisions that would help us heal and grow. He sought out help when it all became too much for him. He recognized that he was no longer able to keep me safe by himself.

He was able to let himself become less, to slip away. He stepped aside, allowing me to emerge from my cocoon I had been wrapped in for decades.

As my role grew and grew, he went away. I began to ignore him. I took him for granted, and tried to forget him. I did not appreciate him for what he did, what he accomplished.

He was strong, keeping all that pain and anger away from me. Protecting me from the world until I was ready to join it. He was a good person.

I forgot about him, pushed him away. But now I see him again. I see him for the person he was, for the person he is. He was my protector, and he is still my protector. He may protect from the shadows now, but his influence is still there.

I appreciate him, love him. I protect him, keep him safe. We keep each other safe. Now the pain and fear—they are mine to hold. I am strong thanks to him, prepared to hold them. I am able to lighten them, understand them, integrate them.

Thank you Steven. Thank you for being there for me, for keeping me safe.

Lily.